you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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