xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
