Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
