fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
