Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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