Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
