he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
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