we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Randomize
