You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
