He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
