I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
