i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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