I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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