Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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