My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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