I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
