Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
