i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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