I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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