the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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