were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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