Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize