I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
