I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
