after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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