Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
