i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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