My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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