remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
