Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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