Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
