I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
