he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
