Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
