I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
