I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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