have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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