I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
