i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
