Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
