just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
