theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
