They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
