y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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