Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
