I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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