Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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