I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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