You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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