No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
