I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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