Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
