I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
