Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
