she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Randomize
