I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
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