i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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