Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
