i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
