dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
