I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
