I just threw up on my dentist
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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